The Nucular Option

It's been a long time since i've posted the truth to the people...but as all things do, the silence must pass. While most of the officers have been helping roland re-integrate into society after a tough bought with a 2 liter of stomach blood, our beloved United States Senate has been debating what the press is calling the "Nuclear Option" and our president calls the "Nucular Option".

As I'm sure you have all heard by now, this constitutes an elimination of the long standing senate tradition of the "filibuster". Although they speak of it in relation to judicial nomination only, even a dead Ray Charles could see that it could easily be extend to all "filibusters".

And though stopping politicians from talking is certainly a worthwhile thing to do, the thing that strikes me about the whole ridiculous issue is that there are important things to talk about. We are at "war", we have a huge deficit, the economy is deceptive and a North Korea that probably shouldn't have access to the clock settings on a VCR probably has nuclear weapons.

But instead of the myriad of worthwhile things to discuss, the US senate is talking about talking. God bless 'em. For sure, the "filibuster" is a strange tradition, but watching grown men throw a ball through a "hoop" and getting paid millions of dollars to do it is certainly nearly as strange.

The bottom line is this...the republicans won an election. "God" is more omnipresent than he/she already was, but 51% does not a mandate make.

It wins an election. And that's it bitches. Smoke your cigars. Pat each other on the back. Tee off and think about the fact that this too will pass and then you'll remember a time...long, long ago...when 51% was just one percent over half.

Earth to be Renamed "Popeland"

Due to the unprecedented unprecedented-ness of the current papal-palooza, 99% of the earths residents have voted to rename the big blue "Popeland".

"While this is a gooda stepa," said Cardinal Giovanni Saldarini of Italy, " We thinka we shoulda builda a giant statue ofa da Popa and put ita ona da moon."

Story is still developing....

Homeland Finally Safe

Although today Derek would be languishing in his own feces at Guantanamo Bay due to the airport incident, the Department of Homeland Security has learned its lesson and won't allow zucchini offenders to go unpunished.

Spread the word.

Well at least I can still enlist

Everyone should have a plan B. And even though enlisting in the military always fell at around double Z for me, its nice to know that if I want to kill people that don't speak English and get paid for it,... I still can.

Chimps Attack

There is one basic rule when running a chimp sanctuary in the naturally chimp laden area of Southern California. If you're going to have a birthday party for your favorite chimpanzee...invite all of the other chimps in the neighborhood, even if you don't like them very much.

Ignore this rule at your own risk.

And as an aside, notice the tagline of this TV station. "In the spirit of the golden empire". I don't know what this means and i'm not sure if i want to know.

Nearsighted Dogs of the World Rejoice!

For years Fido was only "pretty sure" that he was smelling another dogs ass. But now, thanks to the wonders of modern technology and the same people who brought you pet insurance, pet psychology and pet cologne, he will see each dogs ass in perfect 20/20 black and white vision.

Just in time for spring.

Million Dollar Baby Rhino

In the wake of a painful estrangement from his mother, a young rhino named Hillary Swank, finds an unlikely soul mate in the grizzled yet lovable form of an elderly female goat/boxing trainer, Clint Eastwood.

Hilarity ensues. One of them dies.

Winner of 3 Academy Awards including best Rhino - Goat Scene.